27. Back At It

Alright. I'm not doing okay, but am trying to get there through creating some structure and having an accountability partner. So. Yes, I'm exhausted - doing all the things is draining, but I know that this is not beyond my capacity, so I'm going to push through and make it happen.

It has been a while since I've written, so again am thankful that I never pledged to publish in order and will get to the making sense of the content later.

_____

It happened again. Of course it did. Nicole's green eyes narrowed as she considered the implications. This was. NOT. what she planned. At. All. So wtf?

She felt a shiver run down her spine and the fine hairs on her arms stood on end. This was important - whatever it was that she was getting pushed into. But why? And why was where she was going not okay?

Deep breaths. She paused and counted her inhales and exhales, balancing them to the count of four, hold for four, release for four, then pause for four before inhaling again.

She cycled through three square breaths, calming her mind and allowing her body to relax.

Nicole hated - and I do mean HATED - when plans got changed on her. And this? This wasn't just a plan - this was her life. Her future. Who she was going to spend the rest of her life & the end of the world with.

They had plans together - gardens to build, property to acquire, skills to hone. There were timelines for everything from when to start some seeds to when she would leave the city and live there full time.

Her chest hurt. Just thinking about what wasn't to be had her reaching her hand to her breast in an attempt to massage away the biting pain that she felt. She'd hoped and prayed that it would lessen, but maybe not enough time had passed. It hurt.

Deep breaths. In for the count of four. Hold for the count of four. Out for the count of four. Hold for the count of four. In for the count of four. Hold for the count of four. Out for the count of four. Hold for the count of four.

She massaged her chest willing the pain to go away with each cycle, and refocused on what was happening. Her plans had been changed. Her future was now a void stretching before her.

So why? Why all this pain? It had to be for a reason. Everytime this had happened before - when Nicole had been set on a path or a course of action - if she was dragged away from it, it was always because there was something she needed on the other end. Someone or something that she would need in order to get to the next checkpoint.

That's what this had to be. There was no other explanation. Where she was meant to be, what she was meant to do - she'd gotten what she needed (even though she had no idea what it could possibly be) and now she was to move on to the next thing, whatever that might be.

It hurt.

Nicole rolled her shoulders, and stretched her neck from side to side getting a satisfying crack. The air was cool going into her lungs, the chair too hard, and the noise of the unrelenting fan unbearable.

There were no answers. Not right now. The only thing she knew, had to trust, was that this was all for a reason. Rising from the chair, she began to pace lost in her thoughts, as she randomly tried to make herself productive and put things away as she moved.

What if.

This was it. This might actually be it. What if - how things happened was not the worst case scenario? What if in some alternative universe it went a different way - maybe even a better way - but then that was only short lived, and the long term pain or consequences were much worse. What if she had been given the opportunity to choose a different option - one that would be better for her and for the world she was living in? This is not to say that there was no pain, rather, this was the best possible outcome in the grand scheme of things.

That had to be it. Nicole's shoulders relaxed and a smile smile appeared on her pale and drawn face.

She had found hope.

So yes, this sucked. A lot. And it was so bloody frustrating when it happened. But maybe this was what needed to happen.

Nicole had stopped pacing, a candle cupped in her palm. She'd been putting it back in it's proper spot when these thoughts had flooded her mind. Absentmindedly she placed the candle on the nearest surface and went for her journals. This wasn't the first time - so she needed to revisit when it had happened before - what that had been like - why she had felt so certain she was on the right path, how she had been derailed, and what the outcome had been. She needed proof that all this pain wasn't for nothing.

Hours flew as she read and remembered. Each entry helping calm her racing, aching heart. The pain wasn't going away, maybe it never would (at least that's how it felt) but at least there was hope.

****

The air in the war room was tense, but as they watched Nicole work through her pain, the tension eased. It had been a fight - not everyone wanted her to go through that pain, that heartbreak, that devastation - they argued that it was too much and there had to be another way. There wasn't. They knew that. But she was too important, too personal, for them for them to feel indifferent to her pain. It was the only way.

But now they had hope. Hope that it was worth it, that she would accept the direction they needed her to go.