14. Cupcake?

Blarg! I had a really great idea for a title and something to write about today, but that was last night in the 'middle' of the night and now sure enough, I've forgotten.

I know I've gotten a bit out of the habit of writing, so I am trying to get back into it. I'm also switching to my FreeWrite typewritter in hopes that I can write distraction free. Also, showing the kids that I'm not on tech since this really only can write and not check buzzfeed or reddit or anything else that is fun and distracting.

Its also a lot earlier in the day than I normally write - in fact, it's MORNING! The real reason I'm writing now is because I have stuff to do that I don't feel like doing, so I'm procrastinating chores by writing. Also, I found a really great spot to sit that is in the morning sun and am soaking that up as I drink my coffee and get ready to start my day.

Wowza. I could really ramble on and just journal instead of writing anything real. I don't want to do that, so what am I going to write about?

OMG! I remember!

I wont go back and change the title for today's post, but what I was going to call it was 'Main Character Energy'

Main Character Energy

Why me? What's so special about me? Nicole knew that she was on the high side of average for just about every metric you could think of - height, weight, witty-ness... If the average woman was 5ft 8", Nicole was 5ft 11". Hitting 6ft would put her outside of the relm of normal, so she snuck in at 5ft 10 and 3/4inches.

So if she was just a bit above normal, then why was she the one they had picked?

As normally happened, the answer came to her when she was least expecting it - but when she was numb and not really thinking, aka scrolling TikTok.

Being numb and not really thinking was what made it possible for the answers to questions she forgot were bothering her to come to mind. As an overthinker she could take the slightest and smallest grain of anything and turn it into a whole world or story or something with deep meaning. Just like reading into the works of some authors - not everything was significant!

Being numb allowed her brain to do its think - she called it 'back braining' - where it worked through problems and issues without her conscious thoughts getting in the way.

Back braining while mindlessly scrolling was the perfect combination - and there was her answer.

She was the main character. Duh, I know, but for Nicole, it was a seismic shift, a revelation that changed the way she saw the world.

It was her world. Everything that she saw, touched, ate, or even thought - all of that was real to HER. This was her world, her reality, her truth.

She was the Main Character in her own story but she hadn't been living that way. Nicole had been passive, a side-kick at best. She constantly asked 'but what should we do now?' instead of letting her own thoughts, opinions, wants, needs or instincts have their rightful place.

Even worse, when given the chance to speak up, to give her opinion, voice her preference, Nicole was a peace-maker, a people pleaser. She offered up what she thought they wanted to hear, what choice they would pick, or if she was feeling a bit balls-y, she would pick what she thought she might enjoy a little but also give the other the most enjoyment.

How to explain better?

If Nicole was given the opportunity to pick where they went for dinner (they being pretty much anyone in her company joining her for whatever adventure), and Nicole was craving Thai food but knew that they were picky or not adventurous or not wanting to go outside of their comfort zone, she would pick something like Vietnamese, which she knew they enjoyed. It might sounds like Nicole was simply being considerate, but after years and years and years of doing this, Nicole because accustomed to not ever saying what she actually wanted and therefore never getting what she actually wanted (especially if there were other people involved - sometimes she was able to do things on her own for just herself, but even that was rare because what about the time she was taking, or the money or couldn't she be doing something else that would help others?).

Nicole was living a life that was unfulfilling, mediocre, and lacking. It got to a point where she wasn't even sure she knew what she wanted anymore. She was not the main character in her own life.

There had been moments where she had tried, but even then it was trying to be the main character that others would want in their lives, the character that others would expect and admire. And it never lasted.

Thats why she couldnt understand why her. Why had she been chosen? What about her was so special? She was within the normal range of ordinary so she couldn't be extraordinary.

Enter TikTok. this was her life, her story and she was the one living it, experiencing it, and it was about time she stopped being a passenger. She was the main character damnit!

Her world, her life, her story, her reality. So yes, of course she would be the one chosen to create change in her world. If not, her, who else?

See, thats the thing - this was Nicole's reality, Nicole's world. Nicole needed to be the agent for change.

If someone else was chosen, what could the impact be on her? She was isolated, singular in her world. It's not to say that Nicole was a recluse, but lately her world had gotten pretty small - avoiding people at work by hiding in her office, going straight home, and taking forever to reply to friends or anyone that reached out to the point where most had stopped trying. THose that remained were the type of friends where these kind of breaks were not uncommon and when they did reconnect it was as if no time had passed.

This was Nicole's life. She was the main character in her own story. Her reality was true to her.

This realization, in hindsight, was the first step in making contact. It was also, again in hindsight, the first time Nicole was aware of her social feeds being manipulated. How else was she going to be broken out of the rut she was in? How else was she going to realize that she was important? That she mattered? That she wasn't just existing, a mere blip that would leave no impact.

She was the main character, damnit!

And it was time she started acting like it. She was ready.

The world around the team let out a collective sign of relief - breaking through was dangerous, rife with potentially catastrophic consequences, and although it hardly needs to be said given that preamble, it was forbidden.