19. She was losing her mind

At first Nicole thought it was just her reading into things, like how when you read a horoscope your mind finds ways to make it fit or be relevant. 

But this was more than that. It had to be. 

So ya, she was losing her mind. There was no world in which someone would send her messages through tiktok. 

Seriously, let's break that down. Nicole struggled for rational and logical thought as she paced, her calloused feet doing little to hamper the cold, rather just serving as a reminder that she was long overdue for a pedicure. But the cold from the tile was grounding, helped Nicole anchor her thoughts, and think about what was real, and what was not. 

What was real is that the tile was cold. What was not is that she was being sent messages via TikTok. 

What was real was the fact that she was a nobody. There was nothing special about her, even the little ways in which she slightly stood out were within the realm of 'normal'. She was a nobody, even in her own world. Hence, she was the last person anyone would ever choose for... well, anything. Hell, half the time she wouldnt even choose her. 

What was real was tiktok had an algorithm that she didn't understand, and was complex to the point where government agencies were suspicious of the platform, the information it gathered, and as Nicole thought, the information it revealed. After all, it was how she first clued into the fact that she was not just ADHD, but AuADHD. And that was real too- she'd brought it up with her doctor, been tested, and had it confirmed. 

There was the rub, wasn't it? If tiktok had been right about that, then it wasn't that far of a leap to think that the messages were real. 

But how could they?

Could something be true and simultaneously not true? 

Nicole stopped pacing in front of the vanity and leaned in to stare herself down in the bathroom mirror, the quartz countertop only slightly warmer on her palms than the tile floor was on her feet. 

She didn't look crazy, did she? She didn't have one of those walls with string connecting random pictures and articles, making connections that weren't possible without suspending at least part of reality/the truth. 

So, what were the options? 

1. she was being sent messages through tiktok

2. tiktok was just doing its thing and she was reading into things that werent there

It had to be option 2, didn't it?

It's just that... how did it all make so much sense? How did it all connect? How was she being served that content? the exact information she needed - the words of encouragement to keep going, the tutorial for something that she was struggling with, the nugget for an idea...

She couldnt continue listing the ways in which she thought she was getting messages - each one made it harder and harder for her to believe that this was anything other than deliberate. 

Nicole resumed pacing, as much as the bathroom let her.

Let's suspend reality for a moment - Nicole's brain continued to whirl - if this was real, then she should be able to test it, right? She wasn't a scientist, but knew enough about the scientific process to know that if something is true, if something is real, you can test for it, prove it. 

The scene from Harry Potter immediately sprung to mind - the scene in which Harry meets Dumbledoor at the train station during the final battle of Hogwarts and after their conversation askes 'so this isn't real? this is all in my head?'

to which Dumbledoor replies 'just because it's in your head doesnt make it any less real' (forgive the paraphrasing - Nicole's recall was good but not exact, and she didn't want to get caught up on the specifics - not when she needed to focus on other more pressing thoughts). 

Did believing that she was being sent messages help make it real? Was it one of those things that she had to believe in order for it to work? Like some bayou magic?

With an exasperated sigh, Nicole knew that she was going nowhere with this - except to the loony bin. 

Turning on her heel she left the cold tiles of the bathroom and tread over the soft but worn carpet of her bedroom, grabbing her headphones on her way. She was going for a walk to clear her head. 

That made sense, right? That was logical? Fresh air and exercise do the mind and body good, right?

An hour later, her cheeks flushed with the brisk air, and head full of the lyrics from the music she had turned up loud enough to drown out her own thoughts, Nicole felt sane, grounded, and like she had a plan, a way to go forward. 

She didn't believe that the messages were anything nefarious, rather, quite the opposite. They were helpful, and had yet to lead her astray. So, what would it hurt to believe? To trust? To see where it went? 

Her life was simple, her world small, her impact insignificant. Whats the worst that could happen? 

Or, because she was always trying to be positive, to see the best, what was the best that could happen? 

They let out a collective sigh of relief. The slow approach had been trying their patience, but it was finally starting to pay off. She could see the signs. She knew they were signs. And she wasn't ignoring them. 

They could proceed with the next phase.